kick off my shoes & swim good

the universe works in mysterious ways. sometimes it’s just better to not worry and let it do its thing

have you ever had a dream deferred? like when you were younger, you had this crazy, but plausible idea come to mind, and would do almost anything to see it through. however, life got in the way, and it got put on the back burner indefinitely. for some people, indefinitely turns into infinitely and eventually get forgotten. however for me, indefinitely only turned out to be four years, and now, in less than a few weeks time, it might actually become a reality, depending on how much my motivation and dedication decides to collaborate with my creativity. even though i know this will probably take me nowhere, seeing this through will most definitely be my most crowning achievement in a long time. wish me luck.

its true what they say: time really does fly by when you’re having fun, or working your ass off trying to make something out of yourself. in all honesty, this academic school year has hands down been the most stressful, frustrating, and disappointing 9 months of my life. while it did take a toll on my gpa, and potentially my future, im glad that i’ve made it through this year. its nice to know that life has its ways of giving you reality checks when your ego starts to get the best of you. 

this year has also made me realize that i have not grown at all as a person in the past 366 days. its depressing to know that in a years time, you still have the same problems and no idea how to resolve them. and im not even referring to long term goals either. just simple, mundane bullshit that have seem to gotten the best of you. i find it interesting that it took less than 2 weeks to resolve a years worth of problems. one realization ive had this year; the only person one can rely on is their own selves. if you really want something, you get it yourself. allowing yourself to depend on others will only set yourself up for disaster. another thing i’ve learned is that not everyone is gonna like you. while it’s nice to be likable, there are people out there who have a predisposition to hate you. theres nothing you can do about it, so move on and forget them. its sad to admit that its taken over 20 years for me to realize this. but i feel like these realizations will make me into someone i can be proud of. 

i hate calling people out on their bullshit, but it has to be done. this year, i’ve had the pleasure of having to deal with a certain type of person: the man-eater: the girl / gay-man who finds joy in leading unsuspecting men on, only to later toss them to the side, reducing them to nothing but a shell of their former selves. i’ve witnessed first hand these women (no gay men, yet) that have done so to the most infallible of men. i’ve always believed that i was too smart to fall for someone like that, but lo and behold, i fell into the bear trap. realizing that you’ve been played and strung on for this long sucks. honestly, the only person im really upset with is myself, for not seeing this sooner, despite all the warning signs. if anything though, im glad i’ve realized this now, before i wasted even more of my time and energy on you.

as weird as it is, i am fine with the fact that you toyed with my emotions like that; im a big boy, i’ve been through worse. as much as its gonna suck recovering from this, i will survive. however, i draw the line with your games when you mess with my friends in the same manner, especially those who who arent as resilient as i am.    mess with me, i’ll turn the other cheek but mess with my friends, and you will sure as hell get the horns.

every hero has their tragic flaw. fuck it, im definitely no hero, but i definitely do have one flaw that keeps me from being a monster: compassion. as much as i want to call you out in front of the entire world (the 20-some people who follow my tumblr and whoever they choose to show), i actually feel sorry for you. i dont know what you’ve been through to make you act out like this, to play around with so many people like that and destroy as many egos as you have. but from the bottom of my heart, i hope that one day, you see the error in your ways and find someone who can make you feel comfortable with yourself, and not have to rely on this shield to protect yourself from being hurt. im not a psychologist though. for all i know, you could just be a psychotic bitch, and in that case, i really dont care about what you do, just dont fuck around with people i care about, mkay?

maybe one day, i’ll be able to let you know personally the shit i’ve been through. it definitely wont be for a long time though, as the last thing i want to do is give you the satisfaction of knowing that you’ve had this profound of an impact on my life. but maybe one day, once i get my shit together. until then, i wish you the best of luck with whatever you do, unless its fucking with my friends. 

if you ever do read this (which i highly doubt) and do feel like this is directed at you, it probably is. but whatever, im hella drunk (still, its 4:30 am) and i still have a shit ton of packing to do. for my unc friends, have a good summer, and for my chapel hill friends, i apologize in advance for being a douche for the next few days. 

perera, out

i apologize in advance for any incoherence in this rant shit. i really need to stop drunk tumblr-ranting. but honestly, theres nothing i plan on doing about it, so fuck it

i just realized that there are way too many pictures of me fast-asleep / passed-out posted on the interwebs. this is a terrible look and has got to change immediately

in other related news, i think i’ve found the a way to never have to sleep again. well, be awake for 22 hours a day and still be functional / in an overall good mood. too bad at this rate, i will have taken 5 years of my lifespan by the time i finish college. but fuck it; live fast & die young, right?